Just like cowboys need big hats and cats need a misplaced sense of superiority, so too do gym rats need the proper tools to promote perfect pumping. Without the right gear in their duffel the temple of their body becomes overrun with demonic forces. When this happens, the physique turns to fat, muscles atrophy until they can no longer lift protein supplements, and bad cholesterol starts hanging around, driving down property values. Whether you’re a workout wizard or merely someone who received a gym membership as an insulting anniversary gift, here’s how to outfit your gym bag for optimum results.
Under Armour Unisex UA Contain Duo SM Backpack Duffle
Carrying everything around in a paper sack is going to make all the other exercise fiends mock you and insinuate your lunge form is substandard. The Contain Duo is both a backpack and a duffle so that you can wear it into the wilderness or swing it at your side as if it’s a Dukes of Hazzard lunch box. It’s got everything you need for in the gym and without, including a padded laptop sleeve, a separate compartment for shoes and dirty clothes, plus water resistance so your sweat-soaked gear doesn’t accidentally lose your distinctive reek.
Hydro Flask Wide-Mouth Vacuum Water Bottle with Flex Straw Lid
When you’re pushing your limits and cranking out reps, you need to have a drinking problem. Not like the one that got your uncle Herman banned from every Sbarros in Philadelphia, but the type where you keep 24 ounces of H2Awesome at your side at all times. The stainless steel body of the Hydro Flask Wide-Mouth keeps your water tasting like water while protecting it against predators during your Serengeti crossfit sessions. A pair of vacuum-sealed walls maintain ideal beverage temperature while a straw in the top helps you sip when you’re too tired to do one more curl.
Duke Cannon Supply Co. Trench Warfare Natural Charcoal Deodorant
Malin + Goetz Eucalyptus Deodorant
Since you’re not a baboon, we assume, you likely want to keep your musk to a minimum. To battle the odiferous fog that your body produces after a strenuous cardio practice, you need either a biohazard suit or the amazing power of a good deodorant. Ladies will find that Malin + Goetz Eucalyptus has a feminine smell that isn’t just perfume in a stick, while gents should grab the Trench Warfare by Duke Cannon, with its naturally sourced charcoal. Either way, you’ll get hours of protection so the only thing your coworkers will smell is the fish and eggs you keep putting in the breakroom microwave.
Rhone 7” Versatility Short – Unlined
Outdoor Voices Hudson 4” Short
Your shorts say a lot about you, such as “I like to keep my legs cool.” But, more than a fashion choice, they need to be capable of giving you a range of movement while also helping keep your skin from getting clammy. For those who identify as female we have the Hudson 4” short, which is cut high on the sides for enhanced movement during Krav Maga without binding. If you’re more of a fella, the Rhone 7″ Versatility Short has a boxer trunk appeal that hangs tight to the legs, but has gussets that allow you to caper, mince, and pirouette through the most stringent dance routine.
Lululemon Drysense Training Short Sleeve Shirt
Tracksmith Harrier Tee
Shirts have been around since at least the 1950s, but these days they’re far better than the hide and leaf options that were used back then. For anyone who longs for a more macho look, there’s the Drysense Training shirt from Lululemon, made with recycled polyester and nylon for coolness and moisture-wicking properties. If femininity is what you seek, there’s the Harrier Tee which is a Merino blend that naturally keeps a hard body cool so you can keep your cool body hard.
Fitbit Charge 5 Advanced Fitness and Health Tracker
You could hire a personal trainer to follow you around all the time, tell you when to exercise, when to recover, when to meditate, and what your heart rate is, but they’re eventually going to want to go home to their kids, showing they’re not really dedicated to your fitness goals. The good news is, the Fitbit Charge 5 will do all those things and much more. It not only works when you do, but helps you rest more efficiently so you have the energy to make excuses not to go to the gym and instead eat a full gallon of ice cream.
Ursa Major Essential Face Wipes
Your face is disgusting. It’s not your fault. Faces are just disgusting because they’re constantly exposed to germs, dust, debris, and the saliva of people who do not understand social distancing. In order to maintain a fresh, clean mug you need some bamboo wipes. These soothe your skin and exfoliate the dead cells clogging up your pores so you don’t feel like a basket of tots straight out of the deep fat fryer.
Bang & Olufsen Beoplay E8 Sport
Getting the eye of the tiger isn’t something that just happens. It requires bumping beats for when you’re molding your meat and improving your health. To carry your tunes with you through the most grueling days, there’s the Bang & Olufsen’s Beoplay E8 Sport. Waterproofing keeps sweat and rain runs from ruining the noise in your head, while the unique design holds them in place so you have immersive audio that moves when you do.
Adidas Cushioned No-Show Socks 3 Pairs
Smartwool Women’s Run Zero Cushion Low Ankle Sock
Putting the wrong sheathes on your feet will turn them into swampy disasters, and you’ll need someone to carry you through the last 25 miles of your marathon. So as to avoid this scenario, you should stock up on the Adidas No-Show socks with strategic cushioning, moisture-wicking tech, and arch compression so your arch can’t escape when you need it most. If those are too bland for your dainty hooves, then the Run Zero and their extra durable no-slip build will surely keep you on track while on the track.
Reebok Flashfilm Train 2 Men’s Shoes
Under Armour Women’s UA Charged Aurora 2 Training Shoes
You can exercise buck naked if you don’t mind indecent exposure charges, but you need the proper shoes. Shoes affect how we interact with the ground and that impacts everything from our ankles and knees to our spine, all of which we’re probably going to need until our robot bodies are operational. To keep hitting the right stride and reduce injury, you’ll want either the women’s UA Charged Aurora 2 shoes with their breathable materials and mid-foot reinforcement, or the Flashfilm Train 2 for dudes who want lightness and speed as well as super extreme bro-grade endurance.
Jack Black Dragon Ice Pain Relieving Cream
If you’re still slapping on that greasy Icy Hot to soothe your sore muscles and appall everyone with the noxious scent, then today is your lucky day. There’s a superior way. Jack Black’s cream uses a mixture of arnica, dragon’s blood, menthol, methylsulfonylmethane (MSM), and willowherb for that hot and cold combo that relaxes strain and eases pain without feeling oily or smelling like a medicine cabinet attacked you.
Lululemon The Small Towel
Many a great athlete’s career has been cut short thanks to sweat in their eyes. To combat this blight you either need to wear a headband like an ‘80s jazzercise instructor, or get yourself a little towel. Since the law prevents us from suggesting headbands, we recommend this fray-proof sweat sopper from Lululemon. It dries you off without taking up a lot of space or carrying around as much moisture as a standard terry towel will.
Master Lock 653D Locker Lock
Your workout regimen should never include chasing down a thief or having to stretch your brain playing detective when your perfectly stocked gym bag falls into the wrong hands. Employing a metal body and hardened steel shackle, the 653D keeps your locker secure while also giving you an easy grip for operation when your fingers are tired and slick with well-earned sweat. Even better, you can set your own combination for easy opening when your brain is fried from runner’s high and exhaustion.
Western Rise StrongCore Merino Hoody Sweater
Freefly Women’s Bamboo Fleece Pullover Hoody
Going straight out of a hot yoga class into the wild weather without sufficient covering may cause you to die of hypothermic shock. More likely, you’re going to end up with nipples that stand up and try to direct traffic. Either scenario is far from ideal. So that you live to pose another day, and keep your chest decorations under wraps, you should pack along a decent hoodie. The bamboo body and huge hood of the Freefly provides loads of warmth along with a feminine curve. If baggy is more your brand, there’s the StrongCore Merino Hoodie which cuts moisture and thus odor while warming your chiseled core.
Reebok Classic Slides
If you’ve ever walked into a gym shower or stepped on a locker room floor barefoot then we’re sorry to hear about your 50,000 fungal infections. The floors of every gym are basically bio-waste repositories, which means you need to guard against them using these simple sandals. They slip on easily but snuggle your foot to stay on as you stroll, and have a herringbone bottom which can grip the wet disaster beneath you. Plus, they’re snazzy enough for beach jaunts or days on the boardwalk.