10 Home Robots You Can Buy Right Now

An illusion of control in an insane world.

10 Home Robots You Can Buy Right Now

An illusion of control in an insane world.

When our mechanical overlords take control, it will help to have an advocate. You’re going to need a machine to speak on your behalf about what a kindly human you are. How even though you’re horrible flesh and skin, you always treated your devices with respect, and weren’t a cruel slavemaster. The only way to ensure you have this help, and to have something in your house that gives you an illusion of control in an insane world, is to get one of these 10 home robots you can buy right now.

Roomba

Roomba

You’ll never be so happy with something that absolutely sucks. No robotic home is complete without the Roomba. Though it’s been around for 30 years, iRobot has constantly been updating and improving the little vacuum that can. The newest Roomba learns your habits, your schedule, and your preferences so it can clean in a way that makes it next to invisible. It’s like a maid that doesn’t “accidentally” walk in on you in the bathroom.

Dash / Cue

Dash / Cue

Kids are thrown into an increasingly interconnected and technologically reliant world. This can quickly put them at a disadvantage in the workforce. To help give them a technical leg up, you can provide them with either the Dash or Cue ‘bot, depending on their age. These provide lots of tutorials and help teach tots how to code through play. It turns learning into a game, but a fun game, not like the game “Can you name all the presidents before I dump cold water on your head?” that your mom played with you. Through expanding learning these robots grow with your kids so that they’re soon going to be explaining to you how to get the microwave off of defrost mode.

Cozmo 2.0

Cozmo is another robo-pal who helps kids learn coding. This one goes above and beyond by having an evolving personality that helps children not only see how to learn code, but the impact that code can have in crafting a synthetic intelligence. He’s not only a teacher, but a playmate and a friend with the ability to identify emotion, and recognize pets to create an ever more immersive interaction. The only major problem here is Cozmo is better company than most people, so you’re going to have to force your kids to go out and play with those dreadful humans.

Enabot Ebo SE Moving Home Security Camera

Enabot Ebo SE Moving Home Security Camera

This isn’t exactly the most high tech robot around, since it’s essentially an RC car with a high-def camera, but that doesn’t make it less useful. It’s also remarkably affordable. You can set this to patrol around your home and send you alerts via the app, or you can take the wheel yourself and spy on, ahem, monitor your children and pets whether you’re in the other room or at the office. There’s even an intercom that allows you to play Wizard of Oz with intruders or family members.

Landroid Robotic Lawn Mower

Landroid Robotic Lawn Mower

The grass might always be greener on the other side, but it certainly won’t be shorter or better kept if you’ve got a Landroid working the grounds for you. This seems to have been invented by an obsessive Homeowners Association who require that grass be no taller than a marine’s high and tight haircut. The Landroid line can manage up to a half acre and they’re controlled via the app, so you maintain the power if you so choose to exercise it. Simple controls allow you to set the cutting height or stop this in a moment, while a floating blade lets it wander over hill and dale without getting stuck.

Grillbot 3.0

Grillbot 3.0

When you have a belly full of delicious tri-tip and mushroom bacon kebabs, you don’t have the energy to break out the wire brush and scrub the grill. That’s why you get yourself a Grillbot. Outfitted with a triplet set of wire brushes, each attached to its own motor, this will run across your grill to get all the drippings and stuck-on gunk that would otherwise require your elbow grease. This will preserve your grill, enhance the taste of your food, and give you more time for BBQ beers or Fiesta Margaritas, which is the only reason to have any robot.

Puductor 2

Puductor 2

The Covid pandemic made us all more aware of the invisible war our bodies fight everyday. The Puductor 2 is the newest weapon in our arsenal against the onslaught of disease, and can help make our homes that much cleaner and more sterile. It uses dry mist mixed with disinfectant to create a 360 degree zone of cleanliness, which is ideal for anyone who wants to live in a bubble. It can be placed nearly anywhere, and can make children’s rooms or elderly living quarters free from the germs looking for any opportunity to make our noses even grosser.

Aibo

Aibo

It’s a robot dog that is both less useful than an actual dog and far more disturbing. However, it’s also cutting edge A.I. technology that shows exactly what is possible in the artificial intelligence world. What is great about Aibo is it provides companionship without the difficulties that come with owning a pet, such as walking, feeding, cleaning up after, and taking it to the vet when it eats a whole bucket of halloween candy. This can be a useful way to see how robotic minds can evolve, teach kids to care for a pet, or give those who need more companionship without more stress a way to get it.

Tertill Weeding Robot

Tertill Weeding Robot

Gardening would be so much fun if it weren’t for all that digging in the dirt. With the Tertill, you can minimize the amount of time you spend with your hands in that disgusting soil and maximize your hours of sipping wine while you watch your plants flourish. You merely program this device to weed where you want and let it till your soil without the use of chemicals or electricity. Should you have plants you want it to avoid, it comes with markers to protect your posies from its cruel uprooting.

Gladwell Gecko

Gladwell Gecko

Sure, windows provide natural light from the sun that gives the planet life. But they’re so bloody hard to clean that most of us choose to live in bunkers, just so we don’t need to stare at streaks and feel badly about our housekeeping. To solve this problem, and allow us to again emerge into the light of day, there’s the Gladwell Gecko. With merely a bit of suction, it attaches to a window then scrubs with microfiber pads like it’s been juiced up on adderall. It automatically detects edges, but can also be controlled via the app to get every wayward spot your eagle eye can detect.

Amazon Astro

Amazon Astro

After all the controversy regarding Alexa’s tendency to eavesdrop on everything you say, it’s a little tough to decide to allow another of Amazon’s agents into your home. However, if you feel better with this than without, sally forth. Privacy issues aside, Astro does have a lot of marvelous features, such as constantly patrolling a designated sector whether you’re home or not, and monitoring your elderly or youthful family members. It’s also a pretty good personal assistant, with the ability to manage lists, schedules, and nag you about issues to address in only a slightly condescending way.

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